Fear was the first emotion he felt when he watched his father go down. He didn’t fully understand what had happened—one moment, it was a tournament. One moment, it was Eivor cheering on his dad to win. The next, it was Eivor crying out, his tone full of rage and pain that the child did not understand.

Then, Drenmir was atop Eivor, another swing. Then, another swing from his kin. Followed by silence, the only sound was Drenmir’s body hitting the sand. 

Chaos. Medics rushed the pit, his mother yelling at him to go home. His legs were frozen in place. He was unable to move, his breathing growing rapid. Except he was breathing; his father was not. Hazellyn was next to him, but in a moment. She was forgotten as well. Thanatos’s vision darkened for a moment. “No, no- you can’t leave us as well. You wouldn’t leave us”. The laughter of a brute, cheering on the fact he had stopped breathing. 

Fear, chaos, anger, pain, and sadness surrounded him. He wanted to turn to say something to this woman who was celebrating, but no, too much was happening. Wetness on his face, he was crying—his own voice breaking through the din, “Please—don’t leave us as well.” He was pulled into a hug, and shouts of the fact that Drenmir was not breathing, shouts of people telling others to move, Siona—the saviour. Whatever she had done, Drenmir’s heart restarted.

Moments passed until his father’s voice could be heard. His mother was trying to garner his attention to point out that he was alive and breathing. Tears rushed now, freely down his face. He didn’t care about composure anymore, being tugged back over. His Ser Stars in his hand, how had he gotten him? Everything moved so quickly.

Relief. Fear. He was embraced in a hug, but also helped support his father on his own feet. Crying, giving out to him - “Don’t scare us like that again”. Then, home. Home was safe. Home was where his family was, where he knew no one would be hurt. At home, he remained close by. Please, don’t let me be left behind again. Words he would remain unspoken, trying to bottle his fear down. His brother wasn’t here, he hadn’t witnessed it. There was a silver lining. As he drifted off to sleep, one more emotion returned. Rage.

Rage. For the fact his father had been struck down- no one should have died. It was supposed to be fun. Rage. For the loud woman, who had so openly cheered on his father's death. Rage. That in that moment, he could not help. A turmoil brewed within him, one that he would keep tucked down. He would plan, he would wait. Even if he had been saved, celebrating the death of his father? In front of him? In front of his mother? No, this was a sin Thanatos would not let slide. There would be no forgiveness at this moment, he would plan. He would wait.

Though, for now. He would try to be at peace and climbed into the bed with his parents. He cried as he needed to, knowing he was safe. Right now? They were safe. For now, he could sleep. But when he awoke next, he would be set with a determination and for a few days he would become a shadow.

“You can never tell with half-breeds.” The knights voice rang out through their helm. Thanatos stood there in the stands, feeling his shoulders deflate.

The young boy looked up to knights, admired them. He wanted to be like them, to be noble. To be seen as a protector- a hero. But the man before him now? He was no hero at all… He was just rotten, not worthy of his title. Adrian, who stood to his right snapped at the knight, “Keep thine words to yourself.” 

Though, the knight did not stop rambling on. Thanatos wish he had thought to say “Take off your helm, look me in the eyes and say those words.” But they remained trapped, “There is no lord to make you a Knight. You are nothing, though Knight of Nothing could be a title I suppose.” 

Insult after seeming insult ran from the man’s mouth. Then, he turned, talking about his squire. How he had broken his arm before, and he’d break the other as well. Thanatos could feel his anger growing, he tried to keep a cool head. Yet, it seemed like such a hard thing to do. Eventually, there was a kick to the back of the Knight’s knees. Adrian had told the knight to watch their words, and Adrian would fulfill the promise to make him do so. 

But with the kick to the knees, Adrian was grabbed. Their shirt bunched up in the Knight’s hand. Thanatos had asked Locke for their knife, intent on trying to free Adrian. But the good doctor had not allowed it. So, Thanatos did what he knew how to do best. Jump. 

He leapt from the stands, wrapping himself around the knights shoulders. Giving Adrian a moment to free themselves. He was angry, but he also wanted to defend the one who defended him. “Get off me, you insect!” The sneer could be heard in the Knight’s tone, but Thanatos held on. 

“Don’t you ever insult me again!” He aimed to slip his hands knight under the helmet, prodding him. Aiming for anywhere soft that might hurt, “I am going to be the greatest knight! And you can go fuck yourself!” His words were filled with a conviction. The knight trying to shake him off, Thanatos managed to smash his hands against the helm, ringing the head of that who was inside. 

Eventually, Adrian pulled him off. So that way, the child did not get hurt. Thanatos was carted off towards Hesperus, swearing and kicking. This would be a moment he would not forget. 

He would show this “Ser Birhane” as he had dubbed him “Ser Shit Ass Knight” that one day, he would be the best knight the realm had seen. A fire was lit under him, and it would take more than a douse of water to put it out.

"FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK."

That was Thanatos's thought as he tried to stroll home casually after leaving the hospital. He had no idea what to do- he had walked in. She had a pillow over her face. What the fuck. His friend was going to be in trouble - was he going to jail? He was holding that pillow when Elova walked in, he looked guilty. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He was 10 - he couldn't go to jail. Fuck.

His dad had shown up, he told him everything. He didn't lie, maybe it would be okay. Maybe, this lady would return the same way everyone else had. Fuck. Oh fables, this was fucked. He wished he hadn't made that promise to his mother not to swear. He ducked into the house, going to find his other parent. Ready to recount what had happened. The pillow. THE PILLOW. He could not believe the pillow had been thrown back onto the bed.

There was just one thought on the boy's mind as he broke down in the doorway of the house, "This shit is so fucked." Though none of it was said aloud.