[An unmarked notebook, hidden away behind a dark basement shelf]

[The front page has been torn out messily, but the first remaining page holds writing]

Dear d

On the day of

Today I

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Fuck it. Today sucked. I’m so angry and scared and pissed off I can hardly think, hardly breathe, hardly do anything except sit here and try and put my thoughts in a form that doesn’t draw attention to myself.

I hate everything. I hate the world. I’m so mad at everyone and everything I can hardly think. I’m mad at the law for doing this to Rio, and me. I’m mad at Rio for getting herself in this position, for being a criminal in the fucking first place, at Cori for keeping me away yesterday, at Cori’s stupid dad for prancing around upstairs with some guy when Rio’s in peril and myself for being so useless.

I’m trapped in this fucking basement, nothing I can do to protect the one, single person who made me think that maybe the world wasn’t so shit. And it turns out even she wasn’t so great to everyone.

I don’t know why she didn’t kill me. Thinking about it just makes me feel worse.

She’s a bad person. She’s always been a bad person. But she’s still the only adult I actually care about and the only parent I’ve ever had, I can’t make myself not care. So I’m a bad person, too, I think. What else would it make me?

I killed someone too. I don’t even have an excuse.

She promised me it would be okay. She made me think for once that everything would be alright, that I didn’t have to be scared anymore, but it’s not. She lied. She didn’t mean to, but who does? Dad sure didn’t. Not that she’s anything like Dad. She’s trying, at least, and that’s more than he ever did. She at least wants to be around me, wants to be the parent she says I deserve.

Why isn’t that good enough?

I can’t put how I’m feeling into words. Angry isn’t it. Upset isn’t it. I just want to scream and shout until my lungs run out of breath and my throat is too raw to do it anymore. I want to punch holes through walls, or punch that perpetual smugness off the face of Cori’s dad for his fucking audacity of being happy at a time like this.

I’m stuck down here with my pathetic, fucked up body that’s never been strong enough to keep the things I want.

She has to come home. She has to. Even if things are never the same again. I don’t know what I’ll do if she d

No, I’ll cope. I have to cope like I always do. I don’t need anyone or anything, I can survive on my own. I’ve made it this far on my own. I know I can.

Even if I didn’t w

Despite the way i

[The journal entry ends there]

[Another page in an unmarked notebook]

How do you describe anger without feeling it? Terror and pain and hate while all you can feel is this smothering, all consuming peace?

It’s the worst feeling in the world, all the more so because you can’t feel it until afterwards.

How do you describe knowing you failed one of the only people you wanted to keep safe? How do you describe failing a second time in the exact same way?

How do you survive knowing someone you love is suffering because you weren’t strong enough?

How do you cope with waiting for news? Being told there’s nothing you can do, that you have to be patient when you know you’re losing someone the longer you do.

I can’t stand it. In the moments I feel anything, all I feel is anger, and pain, and regret, but right now it’s just a flat, horrible numbness. In the back of my mind it scares me, but how do I make myself feel it?

I don’t think that doctor’s spell lingered. I think I’m just finally broken beyond repair.

I’m sorry, Cor.

I’m sorry, Misty.

I’m so fucking sorry.