Greetings, Fair Maidens. Hath thou ever wanted to be your own boss?

I am certain the thought hath crossed thine mind. How many days have thou wasted away, mending the tears in your partner’s clothes till your fingers tremble from the stress? How many nights hath thou scalded thineself on the kitchen cook-pot, slaving away for your dearly betrothed, only to suffer their exhaustion and apathy?

How many nights hath thou dreamed about taking your life into your own hands? How many nights hath thou fantasized about dressing like a queen, eating at the banquet, cutting a rug at the town ball?

Or even yet how much hath thine lamented the lack of chances to improve thineself? How many dreams have involved you pursuing the sword? How many mid-days have you yearned for the academy textbook, or sailing the apprentice ship?

If you are a maiden who has thought these thoughts, whomst’ve hath yearned these yearnings, do I have an offer of the lifetime for you.

Or if thoust is only feeling like “just a maiden” this fairest eve, mayhaps thoust can apply our LOVELY ROUGE. Simply apply to the lips and cheeks, and bear a mysteriously alluring affect certain to make thoust bloom like a rose, without any of those nasty inconvenient thorns.



Hath thine hair gotten as wild as the town children, or as unpleasant as thine father in law? Hath thou split ends that split thine sanity in twain? Or hath thou a warrior beard that needs to be tamed for the masquerade ball, to show the gentility of the spire you hath hands that can be strong, and soft? Try our WONDEROUS POMADE! With one application, ‘tis certain to smooth down any of your hair’s unruly curls!

Or, if you’re looking for the full maidenhood experience, with all the fixings befitting of a maiden guildmaster, lady, or even QUEEN, thoust should seek the SWEET GLAMOUR vanity case! With this treasure trove of products, thoust can turn thineself from menial lad labourer, to magnificent maidenboss!



Or . . . If you find in this post a calling to your inner maiden . . . Consider employing yourself as a merchant of La Visagiste!

La Visagiste, verily proven maiden appreciator, has an employment opportunity for all maidens (gender irregardless, for to be a maiden is a state of mind, rather than a state of being). Spread the joy of her cosmetic delights, and lift yourself from the imprisonment of poverty! Maidenless fellows will be crawling all over you, all after you! Thou shalt be the talk of the town! Rise above the Maidenless epithet! Know thine worth!

Better yet, join this grand initiative to spread her benevolent economic opportunity by encouraging other maidens to join, and be rewarded for your valiant mercantile efforts.

-La Visagiste Market Ambassador, Chadwick

@adamunavailable (Thank you wonderously for co-writing this beautiful masterpiece)